Trust

Trust. Trough Kundalini yoga I started to develop it, but very often I couldn’t find deep trust that the life will bring me where I wanted to be. I couldn’t believe that everything will be ok. That everything is ok as it is. This whole year was a lesson in trust. It started with the New Year’s Eve.

We celebrated our New Year’s Eve somewhere in a village in East Germany with an organisation that wanted to march back to Syria, bringing a message of peace back to a war zone. They started the march in Berlin and we thought to join them would be the best way to start this year. Not celebrating with expansive drinks, parties and new fancy clothes but to be on the streets, sending out a message of peace. I wanted to take part in it, to support it. But if I’m honest I did not trust in the succes of these actions. I just didn’t know any better way to channel my anger towards the passive world around me.

Sinds we came back home from Germany I felt sick. Aska was slowly slowly dying and we just waited for her to give us a sign to let her run on some bigger and greener fields. And that day came. She gave us a sign and we let her go. I thought I was ready for it emotionally and mentally, but only after she left I broke in thousand pieces. I couldn’t trust that she is in a better place now. I was just too attached.

I worked and traveled a lot after Aska left and I was constantly sick and tired. My whole system was falling apart. And I didn’t felt healthy nor happy. I was constantly cold. Out of energy. I wasn’t myself. On and off I could keep my mind and body up, but just for a few days and it would fall apart again for the whole week.

Next to catching every flu I could get, my old pain in the stomach returned and after my birthday in August I decided to not give in on doctors advise to just take some antiacid but to really discover the real cause for it. So we started the check ups. My stomach was in perfect shape according to the gastroscopy results and I couldn’t believe it. It felt like I had a hole in my stomach. I wasn’t stressed. I wasn’t worried. But still there was something weird in my body going on. I could feel it and I couldn’t explain it. And the doctors couldn’t find anything as all my tests turned out to be good.

So I thought, ok, maybe it’s something mental or emotional that I have to work on. So I visited the psychologist. Of course she found that I’m ADHD and OCD and that I have crazily high moral expectations towards myself and the world. But hey, that is more normal these days than not to have any condition, I guess. However, it didn’t give me any peace of mind. The ADHD coach working with me booked some successes in making me look at some things in different way. But still, I haven’t felt like I trusted her nor the process.

A few weeks before turning 39 I decided to give myself a 40 days Sadhana not only with a meditation as I already did for years but to include a yoga sequence (Kriya) of at least 45 minutes daily. And slowly slowly I felt better again. I felt stronger. My body woke up. I got my power back over my body. The 45 minutes daily turned into 1,5 hours on the mat. And some days I spent 2 hours practicing. Before every practice I asked the Universe to make me strong and calm to whatever comes. As if I knew that a heavy burden is coming my way. I bowed my head in humility and devotion to whatever the plan the Universe had with me. Those where the only moments of my day where I felt peace. Everything else just slipped thru my fingers.

We were in a process of buying a new apartment in Rotterdam and selling ours in Amsterdam and whatever could go wrong – it went wrong. Due to a lousy financial adviser we ended up almost loosing all our savings and risking really ending up on the street. I bowed to the Universe every day and kept asking for peace of mind and guidance. And I received it. I could even laugh at my problems. I really started trusting that all will be fine. Even the situation started looking worse every and each day. And I said – this is a test. An opportunity to look at life differently. We have each other. We have people we love and care about who also love and care about us. We are healthy. We can laugh. We enjoy things. The struggle is just part of this journey. The trust that Universe will show us the way out of the situation only when we completely surrender to whatever comes. Accepting it without any questions and dealing with it.

And in the same period I asked for more check ups of my stomach to get to the root of my stomach pain.

The day I came to hospital to do the ultrasound of my abdomen my GP and I just wanted to reassure that I was actually a hypochondriac. But the worried faces of the radiologists made me wonder if I really was ok. After several nerve-wracking days that felt like years of not knowing what they really saw on these ultrasound pictures and after several ugly tests later I got the message – there is a tumor on my left kidney. There is a big chance that is a cancerous one. No metastasis found. The rest of the body is clean as far as they can see.

We received the bad news on the same day that our financial problems were solved like with a magic wand. In a shock of the news we couldn’t even be happy about it. We couldn’t care less about being financially safe. That we are not on the street. That we will move to a beautiful new apartment. That we will move to a new city. Nothing of this was of importance anymore. We were in shock. But I didn’t feel lost. Shortly after the bad news I found myself in the park with friends talking and laughing and I realised – this is a lesson. A heavy one. And I have to go back on my mat. Bow my head again. And accept it. Learn from it. Take the responsibility for my body and healing into my hands. Trust the doctors but not without asking questions. Taking an active part in my healing.

Otherwise I’m f*cked.

The following evening doing my yoga practice I felt stronger than ever. I felt a tremendous strength for the first time in a long long time. There was this deep trust that I can deal with this. And that I will be fine. Wahe guru! Everything I was asking the Universe to give me – it was there. I felt calm. I felt strong.

I didn’t ask for the tumor but I asked for the peace of mind to deal with life and it’s struggles. And I do. I deal with it with peace. I deal with it with dignity. I’m afraid sometimes. But mostly I don’t give in to emotions. I observe them and let them happen. I cry. I struggle. I tremble with fear. But I laugh. And I dance. I enjoy. And I trust this process.

I trust the lessons. I trust my strength. I trust my body and it’s signs. Together with Dado I trust that we are good in this together. We are not as powerless as we once were.

I bow to the infinite creative energy. I bow to the divine wisdom as it is awakened within me.

ps. the surgery is on December 19th. Please send me your healing energy whenever you can. I’m good and strong but I’m not a superhuman. Every good intention, good energy, all your prayers are appreciated and felt. Forever grateful!