Tomorrow, Saturday 19th of May 2018 is 6 months that I’m tumor/cancer free. It’s 6 months after they removed the tumor from my kidney and declared my body cancer free. They forgot to remove the fear. They forgot to remove the emotional garbage. The fear. They forgot to remove the trauma. And the fear. They forgot to remove the insecurities. And the fear. They left over the physical pain and discomfort. And the fear. They are all still here with me to take care of them. To clean them up. One by one. To try to remove them. Or just to accept them. Or even embrace them. To keep them with me and to try to become friends with them. One by one. Maybe at some point I will ask them kindly to leave. But for now we have to become friends so we can regulate the system. Regulate me. So we talk. Well, at least I try:
“Hello, my dear trauma, how was your day? Have you made Ella cry today? Oh wow, you succeeded, how good for you!”
“How was your day, insecurity? Have you crushed Ella’s day once again? You nicely held her back? Aaahahhaha! You are a little pain in the ass, almost lovable in your persistence!”
“Hello my sweet fear, can you come by at night and wake me up again? So sorry, today I planned to distract myself by youtube videos of cats and dogs, so I can’t give you full attention you need. At night is so nice, peaceful and dark so you can take over the stage. All eyes on you, as you love it. So see you later, ok?”
“Hey pain, can you please come when I least expect you? Thank you! Like a surprise? You know I love surprises!!! And come together with fear. You know she get’s hungry so fast and you are delicious. OK? So you come together tonight? Oh, great, can’t wait!”
It’s not all sweet and loving here. These little bastards living with me are contributing to my lack of self-confidence on a daily basis. They feed my anger and they very often suck out all my energy so the self-confidence drops even lower and my anger towards myself, the world and towards all that is holding me back grows exponentially. Fiiiiioooouuuuuuw!
And the funny thing is – I’m not only suffering here. I have good times too. Like almost constantly. Trying to figure it all out is rewarding. The steps are tiny tiny. But I’m so close to knowing and accepting myself with all my garbage as I never was before. And definitely not for the first time in my life but also not for the last I can scream again from the lungs – I WANT TO LIVE AND HAVE FUN!!! La vita è bella!!! Over and over again.
Last 6 months I saw many doctors, therapists, practitioners of all kinds, healers… you name it. I loved them. And I hated them. Some of them succeeded to feed the trauma, pain, insecurity, anger and/or fear. And some of them made me understand them more or at least understand where they came from. Some of them made me feel alienated from my own body. And some of them made me become friends with my body again.
I had some breakthroughs the last six months but also many fall backs. I got many new wrinkles around my puffy from crying eyes and many new grey hairs. I think I finally look like my age. Thank you little tumor. Thank you healing process. Or actually, honestly, full-heartedly – go and f*ck yourself! Together with the fear feeders, false friends and weak enemies. F*ck you and also f*ck off!
My best friend, healer and guide in this whole process of the last 6+ months was my own, tremendous, huge, big big LOVE which makes me feel like a superhuman. I also bow with gratefulness to the biggest love of my life. To people that are ready to love unconditionally. To my personal practice. To the long walks. To sun. Nature. To birds. Monkeys and elephants. To travels. To beauty. Spontaneous crazy dances. To beats. Silence. Sound. To music.
I even found a song that expresses my feelings of this crazy 6 months. The words as foreign as my whole being has felt. The sound melancholic. Repetitive. But so beautiful. Soft. And definitely healing.
Sound full blast on. Close your eyes. Enjoy Amanké Dionti.
ps. I just figured out what the song title means: “She is not your slave”. Well, free yourself, my love.